Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
