i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
