You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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