I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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