Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
