mondays should just be called national damage control day
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
