Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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