whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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