He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
