i jhust puked up my retainher.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
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