apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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