I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The Olympian is in my bed
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
