quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
