the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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