apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
