i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
