I'm gonna have a badass scar
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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