FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Never joke about your clitoris.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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