we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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