just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
