So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
