I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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