why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
