I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Sorry my hands just texted you
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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