we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
