i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
