I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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