just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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