he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
