Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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