the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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