Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
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