Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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