The maid of honor just puked.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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