keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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