Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
