Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
