whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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