I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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