I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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