I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
