If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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