she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Sext me about skeletons
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
