I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
