I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Four minutes until I can fart!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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