I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
We had to coat check the pizza.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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