VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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