there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
