that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
