His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
