dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
