dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
