Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
