the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
