chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize