just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You pole danced in your parka.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
